Sunday, July 31, 2011

When heart breaks are a good thing

As I was reading an article in Marie Claire Magazine about Oliva Wilde and how she is 27 and newly divorced, I couldn't help but think about my own life.

When I was 19 I was engaged to someone who was all wrong for me. But being young I didn't realize it. All I cared about was getting married and having that perfect love that I had been searching for since I started dating. But after 8 months of being engaged he broke off our engagement, shattering my heart into a million pieces. After many attempts of trying to get him back, I picked up the pieces and moved on.

When I was 20 (yes, not shortly after my break up) I started dating a guy who was 14 years older than me. I moved in with him after only a few months of dating. My relationship with him had its ups and downs like every relationship has. But he did things that hurt me in a lot of different ways. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. And yet I stayed with him hoping that things would change. After 3 years, I had had enough. I packed my stuff. And moved out without turning back.

When I was 22 I dated another guy who was all wrong for me. But again I stayed with him because I had high hopes of what would come of our relationship. And this was the hardest one for me. Not just because I was treated poorly but because I allowed my mother and step-father to take legal guardianship of my son and for him to move to Illinois to live with my parents while I stayed in California trying to sort my life out. I missed my son so much. I thought about him constantly and visited as often as I could. But that could not replace the things I was missing out on with him being 2,500 miles away. Kids grow so fast. And in 3 years there was a lot of things were lost that will never be replaced. After 3 years of another failed attempt at a relationship, he evicted me the day after Christmas. He had had enough of me and wanted me out. I called my mom right away and she flew out and helped me pack and ship my belongings to Illinois. I said goodbye to him and haven't spoken since.

My heart was once again shattered. I thought "Am I ever going to find someone to love me as much as I love them?" I thought that break ups were the worst thing a person could experience. I also thought that I wasn't loveable. That I didn't deserve to be treated well. My heart ached. I felt like damaged goods that no one would want.

But today as I sat and read that article in the magazine about 27 year old (same age as me) Oliva Wilde's divorce, I realize that break ups can be a blessing in disguise. If you are still sitting there scratching your head and wondering what the heck I am talking about, I will explain.

If I had married that guy when I was 19, the one who was all wrong for me, I would surely be a 27 year old divorcee now. If I had stayed in that emotionally abusive relationship with the guy who was 14 years older than me, who told me I could never do anything right, I would have never discovered my talent in photography. And if I hadn't been evicted after Christmas by the guy who was no longer in love with me, I wouldn't have been reunited with my son after 3 years of being apart.

As many times as I've heard the quote "Everything happens for a reason" I never believed it. I would say to friends who were going through similar situations but really didn't believe it myself. But at the time it was all I knew to say. Now I believe it.

Now everything makes sense. I feel as though the window has been wiped clean and I can see clearly for the first time in years. Each of those break ups were meant to happen. It was God's way of telling me that he had something better in mind for me. If I wouldn't have gone through all of that heart ache I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have met the most incredible man ever. The one who even after a year and a half of dating, still gives me butterflies in my stomach. The one who has stood by me through thick and thin. Who has picked me up when I've felt like falling to the ground and just giving up. And most of all I wouldn't be back with my son. I wouldn't be here, watching him grow up. Each heart break I went through was a blessing in disguise.